The Collected Short Plays of Claude Boris Castille Volume 10

One of my calling cards has become the composition of short plays as a form of gift. It's your birthday? Here's a short play. I was bored and haven't talked to you in a while? Have a slice of drama in your life. It's what I do. And in my more introspective moments I hope that it is one of the perks of being in my inner circle. But, not to get all carried away with ourselves here, I have decided to start sharing these pieces with a larger audience. Don't like it? Go back to the suburbs shitbags! This play was written for the luminous Jessie Fisher. Don't know Jessie? That's your problem.

[ed. note] This play is note finished yet, but it is long enough to work for our purposes. Continue.

Greasy Grass Creek

Setting: A café outside Crow Agency, Montana. The morning of 25 June 1876.

Dramatis Personae
Gen. George Armstrong Custer
Elizabeth Bacon Custer – his wife
Black Shawl – wife of Crazy Horse

(George and Elizabeth are seated at a table for breakfast)

Elizabeth
Well, isn’t this nice?

Custer
Coffee. You want coffee?

Elizabeth
No, thank you. I think I’ll just have water.

Custer(Yelling)
Coffee and water! Can we get some service?

Elizabeth
George, there’s no need to yell.

Custer
Elizabeth, let me handle this. I’m the man here.

Elizabeth
Living in the company of men has obviously done wonders for your manners.

Custer(Yelling)
Can we get some coffee? White man want coffee!

Elizabeth
George Custer. Do not use that tone of voice in polite company.

Custer
Hun, there’s nobody else around. What you think the redskins mind? I’ve dealt with these people before. You gotta be tough but firm.

Elizabeth
Still, I don’t think that’s any way to treat another person.

[Enter Black Shawl. She is carrying two glasses of water]

Black Shawl
Welcome to the café. My name is Black Shawl, I’ll be your server today. Would you care to look at menus?

Elizabeth
Thank you. That would be lovely.

Custer
Menus yes. Coffee definitely. Did you not hear me when I was yelling at you? I remember yelling Coffee.

Black Shawl
Kitchen backed up.

Custer
How can the kitchen be backed up when no one else is here? Nevermind, don’t answer that. Just go get me some coffee “Runs Like the Wind”

Black Shawl
That’s not my name.

Custer
Obviously not.

Elizabeth
You’ll have to excuse my husband. He is under some acute stress associated with his job.

Black Shawl
Oh yes. He is proud white warrior of the frontier, sent from the East to bring rain and thunder upon the Lakota people.

Custer
Yes, well. Proud white warrior want coffee. Proud white warrior start a fire and make smoke signals. You understand smoke signals?

Black Shawl
That’s a joke. How funny. I’ll be right back with coffee. You folks sit back and take a look at our menu. Let me know if you have any questions.

Custer
I have a question. Why are you still here? Coffee Tonto, and pronto.

(Black Shawl exits)

Elizabeth
Wow. Everything looks good.

Custer
I think that squaw has ulterior motives.

Elizabeth
C’mon George, you’re being ridiculous.

Custer
Did you see how long it took for me to get some coffee? I think they’re gonna poison it.

Elizabeth
Who on Earth would want to poison you?

Custer
Lots of people.

Elizabeth
Nonsense. Oooh, they have eggs benedict.

Custer
It could be my asshole lieutenants looking for promotion. I bet they would want to do me in.

Elizabeth
Nobody wants to do you in George. Can we please just have a civilized breakfast? I haven’t seen you since Easter.

Custer
Sorry honey. I’m just a little on edge. Coffee will help.

Elizabeth
Coffee will put you at ease?

Custer
Yes.

Elizabeth
I want to talk about us.

Custer
Good lord.

Elizabeth
What does that mean?

Custer
You tell me.

Elizabeth
Well, I was thinking we could take a trip back East later this summer. Maybe be there for September.

Custer
We’ll see.

Elizabeth
What do you mean “We’ll see”

Custer
We’ll talk about it.

Elizabeth
We are talking about it.

Custer
I don’t think your father approves of me.

Elizabeth
Of course he approves of you. He wouldn’t have let you marry me if he didn’t approve of you.

Custer
Well I just get the feeling that he doesn’t like me.

Elizabeth
Daddy is good at making people feel awkward. That’s why he’s a judge.

Custer
Flapjacks.

Elizabeth
You’re getting flapjacks? Oh sweetie that sounds great. I’ll get two poached eggs with toast and we can share.

Custer
You should get bacon since your maiden name is Bacon.

Elizabeth
Har-har. I haven’t heard that one before George.

Custer
You should get bacon.

Elizabeth
I don’t trust their pig slaughtering techniques out here on the frontier.

Custer
Hey, here’s a game for you. How many connections do you think it would take for you get to Ulysses S. Grant?

Elizabeth
What?

Custer
Two. You’re married to me, and I served under Ulysses S. Grant. It’s like that six degrees of separation thing. But you take a person and find a connection using somebody you already know.

Elizabeth
The Elizabeth Bacon game.

Custer
Yep.

Elizabeth
That’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever come up with.

Custer
I thought it was stupid too. Where the dickens is my coffee?

Elizabeth
George, did you take an Indian bride?

Custer
Coffee is so hard to get on the frontier. What did you say?

Elizabeth
I heard this rumor that you had taken an Indian bride and had a child by her. My friend said her husband served under you and he told her this.

Custer
Preposterous. There are a lot of people jealous of me.

Elizabeth
I thought it was preposterous. But Grace swore up and down that it was true, and she isn’t the kind of person to do that lightly.

Custer
Well you tell her that it isn’t true and you heard it from me.

Elizabeth
That’s all I needed to hear.

Claude Boris Castille Karaoke Assignments

People sing karaoke. It happens. But too often, people choose stale and retread numbers. This is due to the tendency towards safe choices, populist peer pressure, and simple laziness. So we are gonna start recommending songs to perform in karaoke. Songs that are performable (don't think that because you can softly sing like Bono, that you are ready to belt out "With or Without You" It's a brutal choice). These songs are entertaining, perhaps overlooked, and with enough energy, can raise the bar. In other words get on it.

E & D's Personal Guided Tour

We meet people in the strangest of places. And today was no different, as we encountered a pair of ne'er-do-wells in a Clark St. eatery. So we would like to extend to them a hearty welcome and hope that this brief tour will acclimate them to their surroundings. To our regular readers, perhaps you missed something and could get your learn on by following along. We begin:

Ok, so the whole calendar thing is here. That has all the entries as well as the accompanying text. If you would like an actual calendar, that can be arranged.

The other thing that has defined this site is Bob Hoskins Profile Makeovers. It is our foray into sketch comedy and voices. It's defies explanation and you'd be best served to just give it a listen without any more preface. And yes that is our voice.

Occasionally we interview public figures.

Sometimes we make movies.

We kinda started a soap opera. We have been extremely busy and distracted as of late, so there needs to be a reevaluation of this project, but it is in the infantile stages.

Sometimes comment wars happen in our posts. This one happened cause we by happenstance mentioned Amway. Scroll down to watch the self-important dialogue that is given a chance to reach its zenith through the magical powers of the internet.

That's enough to get you folks started. There is more, if you care to look further, it always seems to be one step further down that rabbit-hole. And that, in a brief nutshell is what we do.

Get after it.

Briefly...

If we have a position in the government that oversees some facet of society, let's stop calling it the (blank) Czar, e.g. Drug Czar, Car Czar, etc.

Czarist Russia was overthrown by farmers and peasants and then suffered under the totalitarian rule of the Bolsheviks. The Czar and his family were murdered and buried underneath a dirt road in Yekaterinenburg. We may be wrong, but we're not certain this is necessarily the image we'd like to invoke to fix an ailing economy.

Happy President's Day. (Note the lack of a Czar)

Not to beat a dead horse but...

This from the NY Times.

Your Joke Goes Here

Ummmm...yeah.

This is not some hair-brained leftist progressive chicken little screaming endtimes. This is the Independent.

We wish our analysis was faulty or missing something, but we continue to find more and more support for the thesis. This is quickly becoming something more than just a downturn or even a recession.

Prepare thyself agrarian neighbors. Cause this might not be pretty.

Oh yeah. Kittens are cute and funny. We still have that.

Your Video Hack of the Week: Better late than never edition

So this ad aired during the Super Bowl, but we didn't catch it then because we were watching amongst friends at one of the best bars in Chicago. We did in fact see the ad whilst watching the Grammys, which probably deserves an entire wing devoted to the disappointments involved in that mayhem. But we won't get into that here. We kinda expect this sort of stuff from will.i.am, but we are gonna wag a stern finger at Robert Zimmerman over the usage of his image to hawk soda pop. Perhaps it is naive to expect that certain images have a sanctity to them that shouldn't be used to sell cola, but if we're wrong here, we'd rather not ride that train anyways. It sticks in our collective craw. And like 'An American Carol', which we watched this week, is woefully wrong-headed.

[sigh]